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Lord of the Rings: Presidential Campaign 2008

September 21, 2009

The politics on this one is getting a little bit dated. I wrote it for the campus humor magazine back in the fall:

J.R.R. Tolkien once said that his Lord of the Rings Trilogy was not intended to be an allegory. That is, he didn’t intend it to be “about” any particular event in the real world, such as World War Two. Instead, it was supposed to be a story for the ages, whose lessons could apply to the real world no matter what the time and place. Yes, it should even apply to modern U.S. politics. Here goes.

Me: Good morning, Mr. President.
Bush: A new power is rising!
Me: How do you think we’re doing in Iraq?
Bush: Its victory is at hand!
Me: Is there anything you’d like to say to the soldiers who are over there?
Bush: This night, the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan. March to Helm’s Deep!
Me: What are your long-term goals for Iraq?
Bush: Leave none alive! To war!
Me: And what about the children’s health insurance bill?
Bush: You shall not pass!
Me: Al Gore, would you care to comment on that?
Gore: Sounds like Orc mischief to me.
Me: Yes?
Gore: Nobody cares for the woods anymore.
Me: So, now that you’ve tackled global warming, deforestation is next?
Gore: Many of these trees were my friends. Creatures I had known from nut and acorn. They had voices of their own.
Me: You sound rather upset.
Gore: Mrawwwwwr!
Me: What are you going to do about it?
Gore: The Ents are going to war!
Me: As for Alberto Gonzales–
Gonzales: Master’s my friend!
Sen. Leahy: You don’t have any friends! Nobody likes you!
Gonzales: I’m not listening. I’m not listening.
Sen. Leahy: You’re a liar and a thief.
Gonzales: Master looks after us now. We don’t need you.
Me: That’s enough, you two. Mr. Cheney, why won’t you release those documents to the press?
Cheney: Not its business, Precious.
Me: Right. Ms. Clinton, how would the United States be different if you were president?
Clinton: Instead of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen!
Me: I don’t think it’s entirely fair to call Bush a Dark Lord–
Clinton: Beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!
Me: Um… that’s nice.
Helpless bystander: Help! Help!
Me: What is it?
Helpless bystander: A Balrog of Morgoth! It’s a hideous, enormous creature that breathes fire and tramples anything that gets in its way!
Me: You mean Michael Moore?

Yikes. Time for me to get out of here.

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